What if I told you I feel proud when my fridge is empty?
What if I told you I plan 3 days ahead to miss 1 workout?
What if I told you it feels like I’m stuck in this small place between two huge walls?
One is behind me telling me that my meal plan and exercise regime is the epitome of control.
One is in front reminding me I need to fuel myself to do all the things I want to accomplish.
And I’m exhausted because I am relentlessly trying to climb over the walls and out of this tiny, restrictive box to someplace where I can breathe and stop thinking.
I want to tell you what happens when I look at a menu.
I want to tell you how one fun night sends me spiraling for days.
I want to tell you how I even have rules for when I can step on the scale.
I want to tell you, I want to tell you.
Damn! I want to tell you.
And, you probably think “You” are the “You” I want to tell.
But none of you are “You”.
Because the only my person I am keeping this from is myself.
I will tell you “I’m fine” – until “fine” is only a mask I wear.
I want to tell you, but first I have to tell myself.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.